Oh Boy || 2

    Hello, World.  It's me, your loyal ceiling tile starer.

     Habits are manipulative, especially the bad ones.  During the week of my last post, I had gotten myself into a good routine of exercising, journaling, and doing yoga every day.  For the first time in a long time, my mind was beginning to feel enlightened and inspired again all thanks to my new "habits".  I had an infinite amount of ideas for my new authentic take to my blog and I was ohhhh sooo  excited.  However (due to falling back into old habits),  I stopped with the journaling, and then the yoga, and then the exercising, and this all stopped my "inspirational groove".  It was amazing how fast my life catapulted backwards.  I stopped drinking water, my bedroom floor disappeared due to the mess that quickly took it over, and my big ole ego booted my self love muscle to the passenger seat.  But, hey, everything happens for a reason, right?  Now you will be able to really ride along with me through my HELP! I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE process.  

     Truth be told, however, I think I know who I am or at least who I'm supposed to be.  I'm just too lazy to get there.  People say you should listen to your heart and I know what my heart is telling me; I've always known.  I've been feeling its deepest desires within me for a long time, but I've created the habit of ignoring them and I think now, where I am and what I'm going through, is my soul telling me, "That's enough, Sarah.  Your shit-show life right now is your wake up call, your motivator."  And I know it's right.  Every single bone in my body is telling me that it's time.  

     So this is where this blog comes in and this is where you come in.  I need an outside world to know the process that's taking place inside of me to serve as a form of motivation.  I'm hoping that if I really involve the world, I won't quit and I won't lose my chance of becoming my full potential right now instead of 10 or 20 years down the road.  I really want this and I know that I need this because it's something that my heart and soul have been yearning for since middle school.  I don't know if the world will care or listen or if this blog will just end up turning into a sad little deadzone on the internet, but I'm going to try.  As one of my favorite quotes states...

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time 

it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway"

~ Earl Nightingale

   

     Even more truth be told, I need a distraction right now.  This past Sunday morning somewhere between 5 and 6AM, I found myself having a serious argument with my date on prom night.  We've decided to take a spontaneous two week break from each other due to our "fling" being stressful, complicated, and dysfunctional as fu...dge.  Yeah, I'm having boy troubles.  Beautiful, intoxicating, back-breaking, incredibly frustrating boy troubles.  I need to distract myself from constantly glancing at my phone waiting for him to suddenly decide that two weeks is too long.  I can bet you a beautiful crisp dollar bill that he won't be texting me anytime soon, therefor, Plan A: DISTRACTION!. 

      Plan A: DISTRACTION! is rocket launching myself into this blog and my dream life so I'm having SO MUCH FUN that my two weeks away from Brown Eyes will be the best two weeks of my life...or something like that.  I'm trying not to have too high of expectations... ;)

    So, girl, go scoop yourself a bowl of ice cream as I just did (Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip... yum, yum, yum) and maybe even some helpful tips to help a girl out.  ;)  We girls have to stick together during times like this.  *sighs* I suppose it's just another sign from above for me to start living.  In the meanwhile, I just need to talk about it, world, because I think it'll help me truly.  Everyday, I need to talk about it.  I have made the decision to be authentic on here so authentic I shall be.

     Yesterday...

Day one:

I cried like a baby... I don't want to talk about it.

     Today...

Day two:

I checked my phone a billion times to see if he liked my latest Instagram post.  Negative.  Good news, I've come to the conclusion that this break is a good thing.  In fact, it should've happened weeks ago.  I'm growing tired, will explain tomorrow.

☮

I'll Start Here || 1

     Day One:


You're selfish.  You're insecure.  You're weak.  You're such a people pleaser.  You're so lazy.  You're wasting away your life.  You're skin isn't perfect enough to be loved or beautiful.  You're never going to have the strength to change.  Stop thinking, you'll just make your skin worse.  You're not even cool anymore.  You're just a scrawny girl with acne and anxiety.  You're just not good enough for this world.

    I hate myself.

     For as long as I can remember, I've never known how to be almost 100% authentic.  Maybe 50% but never ever 100. In my family, emotions just weren't ever a big priority.  We only showed the world positive emotion and yes, that doesn't sound all that bad, but it wasn't done in the right way.  It wasn't done out of love.  It's hard for me to write about this knowing that it will be released to the world.  I can feel a part of me screaming that this is wrong, this is private.  You must only show the world how good your life is.  But honestly, it's really not all that good.  I've realized two weeks ago that I had no urge to blog anymore because I thought that I must only share what was good.  The last post I put up was not done out of a love for blogging, it was done out of fear.  Fear that I'd lose followers, fear that my blog would be a failure, fear that I'd look like a lost cause to the world.  After that realization, I didn't think I'd ever return to my blog again.  

Anxiety.

     Over a year ago, I shook hands with anxiety.  At the time, I had no idea that the retched feeling that I was experiencing had a name.  I remember typing into Google questions like, "Why do i feel so scared when i talk to people"  or "Why am i no longer funny" or "What happened to my awesome personality".  I didn't know what was wrong with me so I turned to the only person I thought I had:  myself.  I was mentally unstable though.  The only voice existing in my head at the time was my ego or as I label her now, my mean girl.  

    And this is where she lead me...

     

     She told me that I was stupid, ugly, worthless, selfish, unloved, unloving, shallow, insecure, and many many other ugly adjectives.  She reminded me every single day that I wasn't good enough for my dreams.  She led me to times spent watching tears roll down my face while staring at my own reflection.  She led me to judging and comparing my friends and myself.  She led me to heated arguments with my mom.  She led me to blaming other people.  She led me to excessive drinking.  She led me to hooking up with boys I shouldn't have hooked up with.  She led me to grief, hatred, and so much anger.  She led me to spending my senior year staring at the ceiling questioning for hours on end if I'd ever recover from this.  My mean girl led me into a different life that I've been stuck in for over a year, and this is the truth.  I no longer have any interest in being someone I'm not anymore.  Whether that means the girl I loved two years ago or the girl I've been being for the last year. 

Authenticity.

     I'm nervous as hell.  I'm worried that I'm going to fail or mess up.  I'm worried that I'll fall back into old habits and my blog will go vacant and my mind will be a full-time bully again.  This doesn't mean that I'm not going to try though.  I need this for myself.  

     For whoever's listening, I, Sarah Isabel Rose Bertke, am from this day forward taking the leap into my next journey of authenticity.  I don't know where it'll lead me, I don't know if I'll have the strength to keep going, but I'm going to try.  I'm going to try.

Much love, Sarah.

        

Victory Over My Parental Curfew

     

     It's my severe case of senioritis* that's got me always having one foot out the door, car keys in hand and Chuck Taylors on feet; constantly feeling the tug of the invisible thread that beckons me to go on a new adventure.  Whereas my daydreams used to be nothing more than fantasizing over what would happen next in the coming episode of Friends, they've since turned into intricate plans of how to get me out of my house.  I mostly rely on the weekends to subside my wanderlust but even after a rowdy party with friends, no part of my soul wants to go home past midnight.  I am a Cancer the Crab after all.  I come awake under the light of the moon.  It's a part of my nature to want to grab a friend, find a vast open field, and watch the stars all night.  I have a curfew though and my friends have curfews too.  There was simply no escaping the inevitable parental curfew that forbade my soul from having it's sweet, sweet freedom...dun dun dun..or so I thought.  

     I met a person.  He was a tall 6'6" boy with big brown eyes, a knack for adventure, a love for the night, and best of all, no curfew.  I couldn't help but use my Cancer Crab claw and latch on to him in all hopes that he'd latch on to me too.  He did and from that moment forward, he became the key piece to my next big idea.  

     Timing is everything and when it's supposed to happen, it'll happen.  ⇽ Important lesson I've learned this year. 

     The reality that this is my last year at home has begun to sink in.  I'm to move away when this summer ends and it's struck me that I now have a time limit on many of the things I've wished to do since I first became a teenager.  If I allow it, time will not be my friend but if I embrace it, this year could be the best 365 days of my life so far.  

     When I decided that I wanted to sneak out of my house and I mean really decided, everything seemed to fall into place on its own.  I found me a trusty sidekick,  I found me the perfect evening, and I found me the perfect timing.  

FEBRUARY SEVENTEENTH:

      In the earliest hours of Saturday morning, after a Friday night out, I watched as my time awake really began.  The wind slowed, the stars came out, and the adrenaline in my veins spiked.  In my bedroom that night, I changed into something comfortable (a vintage tee, leggings, and a button down denim shirt).  I closed my bedroom door, grabbed a pair of slip on shoes, and turned out the lights.  With shoes in hand, I crept into my closet and out the small white door that led into my studio.  From there it became step, stop, listen, repeat.  Before I knew it, I had found myself turning the last door knob and stepping out into the brisk night air.  I slipped on my shoes and with a huge childish grin on my face, I took off in a full sprint down the lane.  

     I don't remember every detail from that night.  One's mind plays tricks on you when it's supposed to be sleeping.  I do, however, remember the triumph I felt.  Every part of me wanted to punch my fist into the air like John Bender at the end of The Breakfast Club over and over again.  It felt really good to just do something so childish and immature. So damn good. 

     The brown eyed boy was parked on the edge of the road, his big black truck my golden chariot.  We didn't drive off into the sunrise or do anything of that nature.  We only listened to music and the hours became filled with laughter and giggles when we picked up and dropped off his dad, older brother, and their friends from a bar.  It was captivating to see and experience a whole different life from the one I grew up so used to.  My family was at home sleeping whereas his was still wide awake, laughing, and being completely open with each other.  There was no filter on what came out of their mouths and to me, in that moment, it was beautiful.  

     The brown eyed boy and I didn't have time to ourselves again until 4am when we were finally able to slap happy-ishly stumble our way down the steps to his basement.  We talked, froze time, and talked some more for an hour.  When 5am came around, we started the drive home to my house in a race to beat the sun.  We laughed, froze time when we could, and drove on.  

     I ended up making it back to my bed uncaught and tired, but still buzzed on the high that that morning had given me.  I was for just a few hours able to let go of the anxieties and chains that hang over the heads of us teenagers in today's society.  Time didn't feel alive during those hours awake.  It was life that did.  Life felt alive and life for once didn't feel like it was betraying me.  Life felt good.  Life is good. 

*Senioritis (n.) (pronounced senior-eye-tis) - A crippling disease that strikes high school seniors. Symptoms include: laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shirts, sweatpants, athletic shorts, and sweatshirts. Also features a lack of studying, repeated absences, and a generally dismissive attitude. The only known cure is a phenomenon known as Graduation. (Shoutout to Urban Dictionary for the perfectly described definition)

P.S.  Aunt You-Know-Who, I know you're reading this and I'm trusting you with the obvious here... ;)

Dream big, Darlings!

My Ring Collection

      

    I've purchased rings from:

Lulus  ||  American Eagle  ||  Rue21

    Rings hold a special place in my heart.  To me, they've never been just a silver, bronze, or gold band used as a fashion accessory or a symbol of love.  To me, they've always been positive energy and good right-brain vibes.  Without one on my finger, I've felt naked and not myself, like I've lost my individualism.  To me, they've always been close to magic.  They awake, enlighten, and inspire the inner creative side of me.  I don't know how to explain it.  They simply make me a realer me.

What's your favorite type of jewelry to wear?

P.S.  If you've read this post, you know that I've really wanted to start blogging every other day.  For a week, I was pursing my goal successfully when one wild Saturday evening.............I tripped myself, whacked the crap out of my head on a door-frame, and gave myself an actual concussion.  Try writing a post when you're head feels like you've been drinking Vodka instead of water for a week...  Life - 1 Sarah - 0 

Dream big, Darlings!

Bliss & Liveliness || Blog Goals

     There are few feelings more lovely than finding what you love and desire, a passion.  The key is to not wait around for the "perfect moment" to pursue this passion.  Ten years from now, you'll find yourself still waiting for that "perfect moment".  But, Darling, imagine if you just did it...TODAY.  Imagine then where you'd be in ten years!

BLOG GOALS

• Make my blog more me.  If you Google how to increase your blog traffic, the majority of the sites you are directed to will tell you to write about what's "in".  Pish posh.  I want my blog to be uniquely and distinctly my own little happy online baby.
• Make my way up to eventually posting every other day.  Scheduled posts are lifesavers. 
• Get more involved with the Blogger family.  Find.  Follow.  Comment.  Support.

POSTS

• Write about my life being gluten free.
• Share my wellness routine.
• Share my workout routine.
• Write a letter to my future self and share.
• Introduce my cat, Cedric Marley.
• Create a post sharing bloggers, friends, and family's own life philosophies. 
• Share my bucket list.
• Write a personal white texted post
• Do something crazy and share my experience.
• Talk about what it's like to live in a small farm town area.
• Give a room tour via pictures.
• Share my day from morning to evening through photos.
• Share a hair tutorial.
• Explain why my role model is my role model.
• OOTD.
• Host a contest.
• Do a Q & A.
• Share DIY's.
• Make a vlog and share.
• Write about my most prized possession.
• Go a day without technology and write about it.
• Spend a day looking at blogs and share my favorites.
• Once a month, do a post that was voted for by my followers.

Anything in particular you'd be interested in having me write about?  Also, what are some of your blog goals?  I'm curious!

Dream big, Darlings!

Parasailing

challenge: describe parasailing in one sentence.

IT WAS THE MOST

 BEAUTIFUL, 

SERENE, 

BREATHTAKING,

 EXHILARATING, 

PERFECT, 

RELAXING, 

BREEZY

 $100 EXPERIENCE 

I HAVE EVER SPENT MY MONEY 

ON SO FAR 

THAT HONESTLY AND TRULY

FELT LIKE I WAS INSIDE

AN OCEAN BASED

WATERCOLOR PAINTING.

Dream big, Darlings!