*strokes chin and questions if this is a good idea*
Take a risk, Sarah! Okay!
Life tends to be hilariously ironic sometimes. As an example, since I was a little girl, I've always told myself that I would only be with men who are a) taller than me, and b) older than me. The irony of this is that the only boy to ever really catch my eye was a) the exact (and I mean EXACT) same height as me, and b) a little over two weeks younger than me. Irony.
So let's rewind the clock to last summer. Free time was endless, the days were hot, and something was out there. That something being, of course, feelings that I never knew, quite frankly, I possessed. They came when a boy and yes, I mean "The Boy" from this post and this post, caught my attention. He was different from the others, suave, confident, funny, and was so...individual and strong and himself. He was very much himself. If I could tell you his name, I would, but I don't trust the internet that much. Oh, and we also had a LOT in common. To the point where I still think we're the same person, just opposite genders...if that makes sense.
So there began my mission to win this boy over and, let me tell you, I was and still am clueless when it comes to trying to catch a male's full attention. The only thing I know how to do is friendzone 'em. But this ended up working to my advantage because first, I discovered he liked one of my very close friends. Second, I told myself that if I couldn't be his girlfriend, I'd be his best friend so guess what happened? My close friend didn't return his feelings and tada! One day, he discovered how oddly alike we were and we changed best friends to boyfriend-girlfriend.
Dating is weird. It's fun but it's weird. Weird, weird, weird. It's fun in a way that you discover a person who you can connect with, become best friends with, and create new memories with. And trust me, there were a few. From awkward confrontations with cops to awkward family weddings to everything awkward that comes with a first relationship. A lot of memories. But through the fun, I discovered a very important factor about myself. I was not made for relationships. I don't mean in any form or way that every relationship is like this, of course. This is all just my personal weird opinion.
It began to bother me when I couldn't go anywhere alone without someone asking me where he was or why he wasn't with me. It perturbed me when people asked how we were even together when we didn't text or see each other 24/7. If you aren't each others #1 bestfriend on SnapChat, are you really dating? I began to cower away from him. It was like the whole world thought we were supposed to be one and all I wanted was an easygoing high school relationship. Every time I was with him, I could no longer see what I saw the first time I saw him. I saw only our future and that, itself, was nonexistent. My dreams outgrew his by infinity. Looking at it now, it was all so very sad. I secretly despised his compliments that he'd give me. I even stopped laughing as much because he once told me his favorite thing was my smile. I wanted him to like me but I didn't want him to like me and I wanted to like him but I was too afraid to grow close in case I began to like him. It wasn't healthy and I see that now.
But this isn't supposed to be my depressing life lesson, to wait until I'm ready with what comes with a relationship. Yes, I did break it off on New Years Eve morning because I'm a savage human being and yes, I might of smiled and laughed through my entire speech that I ended up forgetting when the time came, which makes me an even more savage human being. But two months later, we're great friends. He actually comes over to my house a lot because he happens to get along really well with my little brother. We still talk, we still joke and pick on each other, and, yeah, there's always the elephant in the room that likes to remind us that we once were more than friends, but we're happy and that's what matters. Everything's for the best now, I've resurfaced from my metaphorical coma, and I'm finally starting to feel like me again.
My lesson here, is that you should never get into something you're not ready to put your time into. I do NOT regret my first relationship at all because I've learned a lot about myself and it actually was really fun most of the time, but I think I jumped into it too quickly without really thinking it through. Just be careful, think before you do, and if you think he/she's the one, love fearlessly. He deserved to be loved and appreciated, but in my case, I could only do that by being just friends with him. Know what you want. It's important.
P.S. Still the queen of friendzoning and I might of also broken up with him because I have major commitment issues and just really missed being single. And, boy, does it feel good. (<--Savage)
Dream big, Darlings!
