Simple || 6

     Day six:

     I created a text for him, except I never sent it and it's still sitting in the message box. With the press of a button, it becomes his. For now, it's still mine.

☮

Rainy Day || 5

     It's almost 11PM and my fingers are itching to pick up my copy of "The Shining", but I'm really just as excited about writing on here as I am curious about what will happen to Jack, Wendy, and Danny.  The question is, what do I want to talk about?

     Ohio is rainy.  So rainy that this morning, my mom, little brother, and myself didn't manage to pull ourselves out of bed until past 9AM.  We dragged our feet around for the rest of the day but I still managed to get in some exercise, green tea, and meditation.  The jogging will have to wait though because oh, heck no am I going to get sick because I was running in the rain.

      Here's a pretty thing for good solace:

// via Pinterest  \\

     

Day five:

     Almost every bone in my body wants to text him to remind him that I'm still here, in case he forgets.  What's stopping me is that if I did connect with him, it'd be out of fear and nothing good would come out of it in that case.  In the next chapter of "Mastering Your Mean Girl", Melissa says that you must always chose love over fear in every situation because only then will you be living from your heart/true self.  

     I have informed my close friends about Plan A: DISTRACTION!  I even told my little brother, Johnny.  We, of course, giggled over my entire over-dramatic situation and I, of course, pretended to collapse on to floor in wild frustration as I exited his room and caught the slightest whiff of Brown Eyes' intoxicating smell.  It was my imagination that put it there.  Of course.  SOS?

☮

Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini || 4

     Around the end of last year, I bought the audio book "You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero (Fabulous read, highly recommend).  I was able to receive the book for free thanks to a YouTuber's promo code for Audible.  Silly me followed the instructions to receive my free book and didn't think twice about the Audible account I had just signed up for and created.  A few months later, I checked my debit card statement to discover that OH MY GOSH! WHY HAS $15 BEEN WITHDRAWN FROM MY ACCOUNT EVERY MONTH!?  I had forgotten to cancel my membership after my free month was up.  I wasn't even shocked.
       Nevertheless, I could have reacted with frustration and anger but instead I thought to myself, maybe something good will come out of this besides the obvious lesson of "Get your crap together and pay attention, Sarah!".  Thanks to my payments, I had a handful of Audible credits and was able to come across my new little bible, "Mastering Your Mean Girl".

     Today, I followed through with my daily goal and listened to the whole first chapter, writing plenty of notes of course.  To whomever is reading, I 10/10 recommend this book if you're feeling stuck in life.  How fun would it be if we made our ways through the book together?!  If you need convincing, I noted something she states in the first chapter...

     "You don't need to be trapped by that fear based mean girl voice inside your head, the one that constantly hisses that you're worthless and not good enough.  You don't need to live your life always worrying what other people think of you and don't need to live your life constantly seeking permission, approval, and acceptance from others.  Deep down, I know you this too.  You're a smart and savvy woman with a yearning for something more.  Otherwise, you wouldn't have picked up this book.  You know deep down in your heart that there's a more inspiring love filled way to live.  You know that it doesn't have to be the same old battle inside yourself day in and day out.  I'm here to hold your hand, to show you what's truly possible and guide you back to your truth.  There's no BS, no judgement.  Just plenty of real life strategies and wisdom.  It's all drawn from my own experience adn it's all steeped in heart felt love.  If you're ready to let go of the pain, sell your penthouse in fear town, and step into a new way of living, this book is for you.  This is not another seven steps to enlightenment book filled with self-help fluff and filler.  It's not a glossy guide that simply rehashes the same old stuff you've read time and time again and it's definitely not a quick fix hand book that promises big results but leaves you feeling completely confused as how to actually make it happen.  This is a book filled with real wisdom that will get you real results.  It's your no BS road map to living your wildest dreams and becoming wildly wealthy, fabulously healthy, and bursting with love."

Sounds absolutely perfect, right?  Now imagine this face telling it to you with a beautiful Australian accent.

// via Pinterest \\

 
     I've already fallen in love with her and her book and I'm beyond excited to hear the next chapter tomorrow.  Chapter one has been about her life story before getting to where she is today.  She was a professional dancer, actress, TV presenter, and occasional model.  She wasn't following her heart though and because of this, her life spiraled downward to eating disorders, depression, and excessive partying and drinking until she was eventually hospitalized with a severe skin issues.  In the hospital, she finally saw that something needed to change and from there she worked on herself everyday.  I'm already pumped up for what I'm going to hear about next tomorrow.

5/3/17

🗸 Listened to a chapter of "Mastering Your Mean Girl".

🗸 Jogged.

🗸 Exercised my calves, arms, and glutes.

🗸 Meditated twice for 3 minutes each.

🗸 Was not in the mood for yoga so I stretched.

🗸  Prayed a rosary and read some of the Bible.

Day four:

     The memories were loud this morning and throughout most of the day.  I found myself listening to old voicemail messages he'd leave me when he was getting back home from a party and I was already asleep.  I can't help but wonder if he's thinking about the past too.  Why'd I have to mess things up?  We were happy just three weeks ago.  Damnit.  Now I'm crying.  Pewwwwww.  

     I know that when we start talking again, it's going to be different.  I'll have to wrap my memories with love and gratitude and then let them go.  Maybe we'll make new ones but they won't be the same.  I'm telling myself that they'll be better.  I'm trying to be optimistic. 

     I miss the smell of him.  The scent is so strong when I'm wrapped in his arms with my nose nuzzled under his chin.  Laundry detergent, cinnamon, and honey combs.  Plan A: DISTRACTION! isn't working because I have nothing to distract myself.  I need an adventure.  

☮

   

Project Planning || 3

      I can't believe I'm actually here two days in a row!  I'm so genuinely proud of myself!  Thank you, Brown Eyes, for wrecking my life enough to make me change my ways. 

     I'm feeling let down by Mother Nature.  The forecast for the next two weeks is estimated to be cloudy with an average of 60°.  Sure, it's not too bad if I compare it to Canada, but I keep comparing it to the always perfect state of South Carolina.  Right now, it's 51° in Ohio, 48° in Toronto, and 74° (!!!) in South Carolina.  Dangit! 

     My brain freezes when it's chilly outside; I drag my feet through life, I sleep in, I daydream about warmer weather, and I really just lose all personality and spunk.  I'm a snake.  I'm a freaking snake.  Anyways, as much as I'm wishing that I could be outdoors kayaking, biking, tanning, driving, adventuring, and lounging around the house in a sports bra with a cool glass of water and a giant grin on my face, I can't.  As the quote says...

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time 

it will take to accomplish it.  THE TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY."

~ Earl Nightingale

     I have to do this for myself and I can't use an excuse as weak as "The weather's not good enough for me!".  God forbid that I'm still the same drab person at the end of these two weeks.    

// via pinterest \\

The Daily Plan

➤  Listen to the "Mastering Your Mean Girl" by Melissa Ambrosini audiobook (10 minutes).

Take notes!

➤  Write a gratitude list in my journal every night before I go to bed.  

Positive reflection!

➤  Drink a mug of green tea.

Nutricious and delicious!

➤  Meditate for 3 minutes.  Continue to add on a minute after every session.

Soul candy!

➤  Daily exercise of the calves, glutes, and upperbody or whatever my body wants that day.

You know you love the results, Sarah!

➤  Jog as much or as little as I wish.  I will listen to my body.

"Run, Forest, Run!"

➤  Do the Yoga Revolution on YouTube, but only stretch if I can't find the time for the video.

Always do it out of love for myself!

➤  Pray a rosary a day.

I'm not alone!

➤  Slowly work up to reading before going to bed instead of checking my phone.

It's okay to pace myself!

This list will most certainly grow.

     

Day three:

     As promised, I will share with you some of the messiness.  Maybe one day, I'll let you know the full story behind the boy with the brown eyes, but it's not a very pretty story and I'm not ready to open up about it yet.  For now, I'll explain why this break is a good thing.  This is my first time "talking" about it so as I type, I'm letting you see a very real part of myself.  It's ever so slightly terrifying for me.

     He's the male version of myself and, boy, was I wrong that I thought this would be a good thing.  He's the male version of myself except unlike me, he expresses it more.  Me, on the other hand, I lost myself and forgot that I'm the female version of himself.  Making any sense?  Let me elaborate...

     With every guy (I swear there's not that many), I go through the same phases:  I like him, I become addicted to the adrenaline of being around him and wondering what kissing him would be like, I slowly begin to return his sappy feelings, I share his daydreams of our future together, I really like him, I begin to become aware of the threat he has on my "independence", I freak out, I feel that he's a threat to my dreams and my future, I pull away, and I break the whole thing off.  Every.  Single.  Time.  When I first discovered Brown Eyes, I was with another boy and with that boy, I was in the "He's threatening my 'independence'" phase so when Brown Eyes stepped into my life, I had already had my guard up.  Brown Eyes upset my system and the consequences of this made everything turn into chaos.  

      

     He was everything I always was.  He'd tell me how much he liked, then pull away when I, a couple months later, began to feel the same way.  He'd pull away and then come back when I began to pull away.  He'd tell me that he wants to spend more time with me, but then we'd get all caught up in how I don't want a highschool relationship, and a week later I'd find out that he felt the exact same way.  It became as complicated, if not more, as it sounds.  Shit really hit the fan a little over a month ago.  He became more and more of himself/myself and I became more and more of a stranger/my worst nightmare.   

     I have become my worst nightmare which is why this break apart from each other is a good thing.  Somewhere within the last 4 months, I have turned into someone I've never imagined myself becoming.  I'd double text him when he didn't respond within a certain amount of time, I always wanted to hangout, I became incredibly insecure, I accused him of flirting with other girls, we had arguments over text and in person, we'd get mad at each other, we'd ignore each other,  and ughhhhhhhh!!! I became my worst nightmare, I became needy and clingy.  Of course, there is nothing really wrong with these qualities because sometimes a guy likes that and sometimes that's just who the girl is.  I, however, am not that girl and being that girl made me feel sick.  I showered myself with endless self hatred over it.  I felt like a stranger in my own skin and the more I tried to fight her, the more she came out when I was with him.  

     I have full respect for him in saying that we need a break, that he needs a break.  I'm honestly surprised that he lasted as long as he did and I wonder if he'd actually believe me if I told him that we have all the same views on relationships.  I know I wouldn't.  Not with the way I've been acting.  

     Anyways, that's my explanation.  Not talking to him is already bringing my mind back to its original state.  Clingy girl should be gone by the time the two weeks are over, but life is full of surprises so what do I know?

☮

Oh Boy || 2

    Hello, World.  It's me, your loyal ceiling tile starer.

     Habits are manipulative, especially the bad ones.  During the week of my last post, I had gotten myself into a good routine of exercising, journaling, and doing yoga every day.  For the first time in a long time, my mind was beginning to feel enlightened and inspired again all thanks to my new "habits".  I had an infinite amount of ideas for my new authentic take to my blog and I was ohhhh sooo  excited.  However (due to falling back into old habits),  I stopped with the journaling, and then the yoga, and then the exercising, and this all stopped my "inspirational groove".  It was amazing how fast my life catapulted backwards.  I stopped drinking water, my bedroom floor disappeared due to the mess that quickly took it over, and my big ole ego booted my self love muscle to the passenger seat.  But, hey, everything happens for a reason, right?  Now you will be able to really ride along with me through my HELP! I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE process.  

     Truth be told, however, I think I know who I am or at least who I'm supposed to be.  I'm just too lazy to get there.  People say you should listen to your heart and I know what my heart is telling me; I've always known.  I've been feeling its deepest desires within me for a long time, but I've created the habit of ignoring them and I think now, where I am and what I'm going through, is my soul telling me, "That's enough, Sarah.  Your shit-show life right now is your wake up call, your motivator."  And I know it's right.  Every single bone in my body is telling me that it's time.  

     So this is where this blog comes in and this is where you come in.  I need an outside world to know the process that's taking place inside of me to serve as a form of motivation.  I'm hoping that if I really involve the world, I won't quit and I won't lose my chance of becoming my full potential right now instead of 10 or 20 years down the road.  I really want this and I know that I need this because it's something that my heart and soul have been yearning for since middle school.  I don't know if the world will care or listen or if this blog will just end up turning into a sad little deadzone on the internet, but I'm going to try.  As one of my favorite quotes states...

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time 

it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway"

~ Earl Nightingale

   

     Even more truth be told, I need a distraction right now.  This past Sunday morning somewhere between 5 and 6AM, I found myself having a serious argument with my date on prom night.  We've decided to take a spontaneous two week break from each other due to our "fling" being stressful, complicated, and dysfunctional as fu...dge.  Yeah, I'm having boy troubles.  Beautiful, intoxicating, back-breaking, incredibly frustrating boy troubles.  I need to distract myself from constantly glancing at my phone waiting for him to suddenly decide that two weeks is too long.  I can bet you a beautiful crisp dollar bill that he won't be texting me anytime soon, therefor, Plan A: DISTRACTION!. 

      Plan A: DISTRACTION! is rocket launching myself into this blog and my dream life so I'm having SO MUCH FUN that my two weeks away from Brown Eyes will be the best two weeks of my life...or something like that.  I'm trying not to have too high of expectations... ;)

    So, girl, go scoop yourself a bowl of ice cream as I just did (Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip... yum, yum, yum) and maybe even some helpful tips to help a girl out.  ;)  We girls have to stick together during times like this.  *sighs* I suppose it's just another sign from above for me to start living.  In the meanwhile, I just need to talk about it, world, because I think it'll help me truly.  Everyday, I need to talk about it.  I have made the decision to be authentic on here so authentic I shall be.

     Yesterday...

Day one:

I cried like a baby... I don't want to talk about it.

     Today...

Day two:

I checked my phone a billion times to see if he liked my latest Instagram post.  Negative.  Good news, I've come to the conclusion that this break is a good thing.  In fact, it should've happened weeks ago.  I'm growing tired, will explain tomorrow.

☮

I'll Start Here || 1

     Day One:


You're selfish.  You're insecure.  You're weak.  You're such a people pleaser.  You're so lazy.  You're wasting away your life.  You're skin isn't perfect enough to be loved or beautiful.  You're never going to have the strength to change.  Stop thinking, you'll just make your skin worse.  You're not even cool anymore.  You're just a scrawny girl with acne and anxiety.  You're just not good enough for this world.

    I hate myself.

     For as long as I can remember, I've never known how to be almost 100% authentic.  Maybe 50% but never ever 100. In my family, emotions just weren't ever a big priority.  We only showed the world positive emotion and yes, that doesn't sound all that bad, but it wasn't done in the right way.  It wasn't done out of love.  It's hard for me to write about this knowing that it will be released to the world.  I can feel a part of me screaming that this is wrong, this is private.  You must only show the world how good your life is.  But honestly, it's really not all that good.  I've realized two weeks ago that I had no urge to blog anymore because I thought that I must only share what was good.  The last post I put up was not done out of a love for blogging, it was done out of fear.  Fear that I'd lose followers, fear that my blog would be a failure, fear that I'd look like a lost cause to the world.  After that realization, I didn't think I'd ever return to my blog again.  

Anxiety.

     Over a year ago, I shook hands with anxiety.  At the time, I had no idea that the retched feeling that I was experiencing had a name.  I remember typing into Google questions like, "Why do i feel so scared when i talk to people"  or "Why am i no longer funny" or "What happened to my awesome personality".  I didn't know what was wrong with me so I turned to the only person I thought I had:  myself.  I was mentally unstable though.  The only voice existing in my head at the time was my ego or as I label her now, my mean girl.  

    And this is where she lead me...

     

     She told me that I was stupid, ugly, worthless, selfish, unloved, unloving, shallow, insecure, and many many other ugly adjectives.  She reminded me every single day that I wasn't good enough for my dreams.  She led me to times spent watching tears roll down my face while staring at my own reflection.  She led me to judging and comparing my friends and myself.  She led me to heated arguments with my mom.  She led me to blaming other people.  She led me to excessive drinking.  She led me to hooking up with boys I shouldn't have hooked up with.  She led me to grief, hatred, and so much anger.  She led me to spending my senior year staring at the ceiling questioning for hours on end if I'd ever recover from this.  My mean girl led me into a different life that I've been stuck in for over a year, and this is the truth.  I no longer have any interest in being someone I'm not anymore.  Whether that means the girl I loved two years ago or the girl I've been being for the last year. 

Authenticity.

     I'm nervous as hell.  I'm worried that I'm going to fail or mess up.  I'm worried that I'll fall back into old habits and my blog will go vacant and my mind will be a full-time bully again.  This doesn't mean that I'm not going to try though.  I need this for myself.  

     For whoever's listening, I, Sarah Isabel Rose Bertke, am from this day forward taking the leap into my next journey of authenticity.  I don't know where it'll lead me, I don't know if I'll have the strength to keep going, but I'm going to try.  I'm going to try.

Much love, Sarah.