Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Project Planning || 3

      I can't believe I'm actually here two days in a row!  I'm so genuinely proud of myself!  Thank you, Brown Eyes, for wrecking my life enough to make me change my ways. 

     I'm feeling let down by Mother Nature.  The forecast for the next two weeks is estimated to be cloudy with an average of 60°.  Sure, it's not too bad if I compare it to Canada, but I keep comparing it to the always perfect state of South Carolina.  Right now, it's 51° in Ohio, 48° in Toronto, and 74° (!!!) in South Carolina.  Dangit! 
     My brain freezes when it's chilly outside; I drag my feet through life, I sleep in, I daydream about warmer weather, and I really just lose all personality and spunk.  I'm a snake.  I'm a freaking snake.  Anyways, as much as I'm wishing that I could be outdoors kayaking, biking, tanning, driving, adventuring, and lounging around the house in a sports bra with a cool glass of water and a giant grin on my face, I can't.  As the quote says...

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time 
it will take to accomplish it.  THE TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY."

~ Earl Nightingale

     I have to do this for myself and I can't use an excuse as weak as "The weather's not good enough for me!".  God forbid that I'm still the same drab person at the end of these two weeks.    

#aloyoga #beagoddess:
// via pinterest \\

The Daily Plan

➤  Listen to the "Mastering Your Mean Girl" by Melissa Ambrosini audiobook (10 minutes).
Take notes!

➤  Write a gratitude list in my journal every night before I go to bed.  
Positive reflection!

➤  Drink a mug of green tea.
Nutricious and delicious!

➤  Meditate for 3 minutes.  Continue to add on a minute after every session.
Soul candy!

➤  Daily exercise of the calves, glutes, and upperbody or whatever my body wants that day.
You know you love the results, Sarah!

➤  Jog as much or as little as I wish.  I will listen to my body.
"Run, Forest, Run!"

➤  Do the Yoga Revolution on YouTube, but only stretch if I can't find the time for the video.
Always do it out of love for myself!

➤  Pray a rosary a day.
I'm not alone!

➤  Slowly work up to reading before going to bed instead of checking my phone.
It's okay to pace myself!

This list will most certainly grow.


Day three:

     As promised, I will share with you some of the messiness.  Maybe one day, I'll let you know the full story behind the boy with the brown eyes, but it's not a very pretty story and I'm not ready to open up about it yet.  For now, I'll explain why this break is a good thing.  This is my first time "talking" about it so as I type, I'm letting you see a very real part of myself.  It's ever so slightly terrifying for me.

     He's the male version of myself and, boy, was I wrong that I thought this would be a good thing.  He's the male version of myself except unlike me, he expresses it more.  Me, on the other hand, I lost myself and forgot that I'm the female version of himself.  Making any sense?  Let me elaborate...

     With every guy (I swear there's not that many), I go through the same phases:  I like him, I become addicted to the adrenaline of being around him and wondering what kissing him would be like, I slowly begin to return his sappy feelings, I share his daydreams of our future together, I really like him, I begin to become aware of the threat he has on my "independence", I freak out, I feel that he's a threat to my dreams and my future, I pull away, and I break the whole thing off.  Every.  Single.  Time.  When I first discovered Brown Eyes, I was with another boy and with that boy, I was in the "He's threatening my 'independence'" phase so when Brown Eyes stepped into my life, I had already had my guard up.  Brown Eyes upset my system and the consequences of this made everything turn into chaos.  
     He was everything I always was.  He'd tell me how much he liked, then pull away when I, a couple months later, began to feel the same way.  He'd pull away and then come back when I began to pull away.  He'd tell me that he wants to spend more time with me, but then we'd get all caught up in how I don't want a highschool relationship, and a week later I'd find out that he felt the exact same way.  It became as complicated, if not more, as it sounds.  Shit really hit the fan a little over a month ago.  He became more and more of himself/myself and I became more and more of a stranger/my worst nightmare.   
     I have become my worst nightmare which is why this break apart from each other is a good thing.  Somewhere within the last 4 months, I have turned into someone I've never imagined myself becoming.  I'd double text him when he didn't respond within a certain amount of time, I always wanted to hangout, I became incredibly insecure, I accused him of flirting with other girls, we had arguments over text and in person, we'd get mad at each other, we'd ignore each other,  and ughhhhhhhh!!! I became my worst nightmare, I became needy and clingy.  Of course, there is nothing really wrong with these qualities because sometimes a guy likes that and sometimes that's just who the girl is.  I, however, am not that girl and being that girl made me feel sick.  I showered myself with endless self hatred over it.  I felt like a stranger in my own skin and the more I tried to fight her, the more she came out when I was with him.  
     I have full respect for him in saying that we need a break, that he needs a break.  I'm honestly surprised that he lasted as long as he did and I wonder if he'd actually believe me if I told him that we have all the same views on relationships.  I know I wouldn't.  Not with the way I've been acting.  
     Anyways, that's my explanation.  Not talking to him is already bringing my mind back to its original state.  Clingy girl should be gone by the time the two weeks are over, but life is full of surprises so what do I know?

1 comment:

  1. The little list above is the best. I wish I had the time to do at least some of these each day. I normally will treat myself to a stretch and a good meal! Let us know how these things go!

    BOYS! I can relate to the whole cycle you go through with them. That whole paragraph is pretty much the way my love live goes. It's funny how things never get really serious before we tear them to pieces. I just decided it wan't my time for any relationship. Things got intensified for you though. I can imagine myself becoming clingy as well if I liked someone so much. It isn't bad if it's a little but when it starts to be not you it's a problem. Hopefully the break turns out well and things aren't awkward after.