Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I'll Start Here || 1

     Day One:

You're selfish.  You're insecure.  You're weak.  You're such a people pleaser.  You're so lazy.  You're wasting away your life.  You're skin isn't perfect enough to be loved or beautiful.  You're never going to have the strength to change.  Stop thinking, you'll just make your skin worse.  You're not even cool anymore.  You're just a scrawny girl with acne and anxiety.  You're just not good enough for this world.

    I hate myself.

     For as long as I can remember, I've never known how to be almost 100% authentic.  Maybe 50% but never ever 100. In my family, emotions just weren't ever a big priority.  We only showed the world positive emotion and yes, that doesn't sound all that bad, but it wasn't done in the right way.  It wasn't done out of love.  It's hard for me to write about this knowing that it will be released to the world.  I can feel a part of me screaming that this is wrong, this is private.  You must only show the world how good your life is.  But honestly, it's really not all that good.  I've realized two weeks ago that I had no urge to blog anymore because I thought that I must only share what was good.  The last post I put up was not done out of a love for blogging, it was done out of fear.  Fear that I'd lose followers, fear that my blog would be a failure, fear that I'd look like a lost cause to the world.  After that realization, I didn't think I'd ever return to my blog again.  


     Over a year ago, I shook hands with anxiety.  At the time, I had no idea that the retched feeling that I was experiencing had a name.  I remember typing into Google questions like, "Why do i feel so scared when i talk to people"  or "Why am i no longer funny" or "What happened to my awesome personality".  I didn't know what was wrong with me so I turned to the only person I thought I had:  myself.  I was mentally unstable though.  The only voice existing in my head at the time was my ego or as I label her now, my mean girl.  

    And this is where she lead me...

     She told me that I was stupid, ugly, worthless, selfish, unloved, unloving, shallow, insecure, and many many other ugly adjectives.  She reminded me every single day that I wasn't good enough for my dreams.  She led me to times spent watching tears roll down my face while staring at my own reflection.  She led me to judging and comparing my friends and myself.  She led me to heated arguments with my mom.  She led me to blaming other people.  She led me to excessive drinking.  She led me to hooking up with boys I shouldn't have hooked up with.  She led me to grief, hatred, and so much anger.  She led me to spending my senior year staring at the ceiling questioning for hours on end if I'd ever recover from this.  My mean girl led me into a different life that I've been stuck in for over a year, and this is the truth.  I no longer have any interest in being someone I'm not anymore.  Whether that means the girl I loved two years ago or the girl I've been being for the last year. 


     I'm nervous as hell.  I'm worried that I'm going to fail or mess up.  I'm worried that I'll fall back into old habits and my blog will go vacant and my mind will be a full-time bully again.  This doesn't mean that I'm not going to try though.  I need this for myself.  

     For whoever's listening, I, Sarah Isabel Rose Bertke, am from this day forward taking the leap into my next journey of authenticity.  I don't know where it'll lead me, I don't know if I'll have the strength to keep going, but I'm going to try.  I'm going to try.

Much love, Sarah.