Tuesday, July 28, 2015

My fear of falling (literally)!


lol nope

    I waited in line for the 30 foot jump.  Up, up, up we climbed.  My other friend, A, and best friend, R, talked to each other about who knows what (obviously I had other things on my mind than to listen to them!) and the two cute boys who were friends of R's older brother also joined in on the conversation.  Me?  I was repeating to myself, "I am Tris Prior.  I am Dauntless.  I can do this!  I can do this because the little boy in front of us is like eight years old and he won't stop talking about how much he loves jumping off this 30ft platform!  If he can do it, I can do it! I AM TRIS PRIOR!"  This, unfortunately, is false.  Suddenly, it was my turn and every bone in my body was saying, "No way, Jose!" Every thought in my mind was saying, "Just DO IT!  You cannot make yourself look like a coward in front of these two very attractive males!  Stop being a wussy!  YOU ARE FREAKING TRIS PRIOR!" 

lol nope

     I am not Tris Prior and, yes, I chickened out and walked my walk of shame down to the bottom of the stairs to see my four friends leaning over the railing anxiously waiting for me to come falling down into the water so they could hoorah! and give me a slap on the back saying, "See? That wasn't so bad!"  False.  This did not happen because a).  I am a coward.  b).  I am apparently not Dauntless.  and c).  No matter how much I wanted to impress those boys (which I really wanted to do), I could not step off that 30ft jump.

I did push myself off the 20ft jump which felt like I was plummeting to my death and other odious things.
     It's only twenty feet.  

One foot in front of the other.  Don't stop and look down.

  Just jump.  

one step...
                two steps...
                                  three steps...

There's nothing below me.

Just the water which is coming faster and faster.

Nothing carrying me, nothing supporting me.

I'm going to die! 

My stomach's in my mouth!

I'm dying! 

Scream! ...  Why is it soundless!?

Here comes the water!


Water everywhere.

I need air.

There it is.  

I am never doing that again.

...But hey, that zipline doesn't look so scary anymore.

     It's really not the heights that scare me because in all honestly, I LOVE heights!  But the falling, the falling is dreadful!  Please help me understand why I want to go skydiving so bad when I can't even drop 30ft.!?  What even!?!  I really do confuse myself... I'm going to be unconscious before I even get out of the damn plane.   I suppose I should get over this fear ASAP.  Oh well.

Dream big, Darling!

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